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i can't be modified [Dec. 1st, 2003|03:50 pm]
randall
[mood |worriedworried]
[music |ours / seatbelts / tea party]

as said before, maybe it is time for me to grow up and just get a job. not osmething that i'd enjoy, but something that i could make money doing. something that you hate to do, but you do it because you have to. so far in life i've never settled when it came to where i wanted to work, and you'd think with my experience as third key at sam goody, assistant manager at c.d. warehouse and senior sales at pacific sunwear that i could get a management position just about anywhere i wanted to. but there's always the draw back of how i look and how well i am at "selling" myself. i can't sell me worth shit.

it's been three weeks since i've hung out with erin, and i've only see her a couple times inbetween, but i still think of her just as much. i don't think any girl has ever infected me so. i know i don't have anything more than a slight infatuation with her. there's no real emotions, because there's been nothing to build on. i just got this urge to be around her, to want to get to know her. i'm thinking about rose more, and that scares me. once again, i know there's no emotion's there that would constitute me wanting relationship status, but she pops into my head a lot. maybe it's because i've never had that relationship with a girl, that i could be really good friends with her, get along with her great and not fall for her.
i don't know, i don't know what's going on with me lately. i feel empty, but as usual i feel content with everything. i occasionally become frustrated with my situation but soon just go back to not really caring, not really wanting to do anything to change where i am at.
as a great physicist once said, "i'm an emotional failure." if i wasn't, i just may have the abilities to get my life on track.

it's really all become to much
i'm not sure what i should feel
i guess i finally had enough
i don't know if this is real
i'm crashing in and out of touch
can anyone explain?

is it real?


is it safe to look within
and erase all that's been
and all that's been between
is it gone, tell me what went wrong
cause baby, i'm not that strong
and i'm walking wounded all alone
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(no subject) [Sep. 23rd, 2003|01:48 am]
randall
[mood |depresseddepressed]
[music |the nothing song / untitled #4]

so i never update this one.

maybe it's because i have so little worth even saying on the other one, that i couldn't possibly have anything that could possibly justify my having two journal's.

at this moment i feel completely alone. i look at my life and see nothing and no one around me. i don't make much of an effort anymore and the few people that i did hang out with pick up on that and return the favor. making it even harder to pick up the pieces of what barely passed as friendships in the first place. i'd say there's still only three people that i can truely call friends in my life right now. many aquantinces, but i'm never into the relationship enough to make it anything more than that. i know a lot of good people (at least they seem to be good people) but i'm such self-inflicted-leper when it comes to social situations. by either my personality, morals or inhibitions, i segregate myself without even giving others the chance. everything i can to form a bubble to keep the possibility of others hurting me as far away as possible, while instead placing my own blade into heart. i come out of most situations undamaged by other's, but i've left myself with many wounds.

this weekend i want to buy a baby doll and lay it to rest, as i wish i could've layed my daughter to rest when there was no body to commit to the ground.

de-si-er
desire, left alone.
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(no subject) [Jul. 16th, 2003|12:54 am]
randall
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |vnv nation]

i was picked up in the parking lot of my apartment complex by this massive black lady. who, after we got into an apartment, had me resting on her massive bossom. i moved and squeezed it, it hurt her. we ate popcorn with her friend and watched t.v.
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(no subject) [Jun. 16th, 2003|11:59 am]
randall
[mood |worriedworried]
[music |kenna]

i often think about just giving up on miranda. she doesn't want to get me involved and doesn't seem willing to budge on it. but i'd gladly get involved in it just so that i could be involved in her life. i think of things to say while here, while i have time to think of how i'd properly word something. but whenever i'm around her i can't even walk well, so how am i to express myself and convince her that now would be the best time for try? once it happens there's no way that we could ever be involved without me getting involved in that, ever. so now is the best time, the only time.
but how do i say that to her? how do i say that to her when we're working? how do i say that to her when we're working and that's the only time i get to spend with her?


we'll find a way through
though our troubles seem big
and our future seems bleak.
in this union that we hold together
the seemingly mighty will fall
and the darkest night will shine.


who ever does something for the wrong reasons
the right reason for me are my own
are the only way i'll ever know to lead this life
the sole path for me to follow will be tread by myself


i got a lot of stuff like those, i really should work on them and finish at least one. my trying to word them perfectly always skrews them up, it always sounds best when it first pops into my head.
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(no subject) [Jun. 5th, 2003|05:10 pm]
randall
[mood |confusedconfused]
[music |dredg]

the summer of love
the time together
under the stars
beneath the gazeebo
amongst ourselves
among others
despite tendencies
to fond of other lovers

the fall of angst
some time apart
under seperate roofs
walking different paths
amongst others
never ourselves
despite tendencies
to be thinking of one another

the winter of reconcile
only want to be with you
in the same place
on the same track
amongst myself
along with you
not brought on by you or i
despite tendencies
to think other wise

the spring of the fall
everything to be gone from you
greenwhich and bejing
across the world
amongst strangers
among true lovers
along with them
i'll get over you
despite tendencies
to think other wise



all this joy has been brought to me
by nothing you've ever done
save one

the happiest moments in my life
were when i wasn't with you
it's done

and now alone again
it is something that i know well
a song sung

about my life without you
it's not really worth mentioning
i was flung

aside and even with all that happened
i still miss you like i miss
you brung

a light into my life



i had this dream last night, that i was back in gainesville, driving up to the super wal-mart. in another car was "big scott" this huge guy, four to five hundred pounds, that walks around the mall and is slightly mentally retarded (or so it seems) and he'll talk to you for hours if you don't escape. but he followed me and after i got out of my car he wrapped himself around my head, with his weight i feel backwards. people and television station's started to gather around. i managed to pull myelf up, almost all the way, only to fall down yet again. he was like a numbing agent around my head, i couldn't feel anything, so it didn't hurt to fall. i finally got him off by saying something with the word "derrogatory" in it. he got mad and walked off saying "use derrogatory against me" and i yelled at him "i thought you that word!"
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(no subject) [Jun. 1st, 2003|12:03 am]
randall
[mood |crappycrappy]
[music |vnv nation]

"father, i'd like to thank you
for the seed that you gave on the day of my conception
for the gift of solitude, and knowing that after being left once
that there's alway's another willing to leave me.
i thank you also for my apathy.
you've given your son the strength to never be hurt.

mother, i'd like to thank you
for the egg that you gave and for leaving when we were young
the day you spent with me when i was six.
the two days when i was seven.
the month when i was nine.
and every loving momnent and increasing period of time as i aged
and became more capable of taking care of myself.
i thank you for the ability of being alright with being alone.

brother, i'd like to thank you.
for the clear path that you trod.
you have my appreciation for always showing me
the life not to lead.

daughter, i'd like to thank you.
for all i've been left without.
companionship, you're always in my dreams and just desipating as my arms close.
love, you're always in my heart i just wish i could see you in my eyes.
strength, you're the foundation of my life and the only thing that has kept me standing strong in this life of mine.
now if only you were in it."
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(no subject) [May. 29th, 2003|09:59 am]
randall
[mood |awakeawake]
[music |apoptygma berzerk]

so this journal is going to have the same layout and everything as my other one, i don't think i have the capabilities to keep two seperate design's going at once.

i dreamt i was doing something for heather last night, not sure what. johanne and myself went into sam goody and heather still worked there. she gave us a bottle of high priced perfume called "go away" (i believe) and we went to my old school in valley view where we ended up near the cafeteria. there johanne said her and her friends had been riding bikes. there were other kids there, too, with their bikes and this big wooden platform thing. we walked down to the football field, which in valley view is right next to the caf. there people were reeling in sea lions with fishing poles. i traded the perfume for a gold fish there (ya know, one that you see in fountains where asian people congregate). we somehow ended up by a pool and the fish jumped out of my hands into it. i ended up riding someone's bike, i think to earn the fish or something, i was pretty good. so we went back to sam goody to see how much money i'd have to get back for the perfume and we all sat at a picnic table in there. heather, matt and some girl came up. the girl asked me if i was one of those jail boy's. i'm not sure what she was referring too, i think someone that's always in and out of jail. i angered her with my response, i forget what it was exactly that i said. so casey huff and i ended up walking around the store.
strangely, i can tie it all in with things that have happened in the last few days.

"all i can do
to keep from breaking
is hold onto you, so
forgive me
if my grip is too tight
forgive me
if i don't let go throughout the night"

you know, all hit songs are basically just one catchy line with mediocre everything else to support it. i'm trying to think of that one line.
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(no subject) [May. 28th, 2003|12:20 am]
randall
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |trigun / vnv nation]

so this is a second journal for me, i'm not going to give it out to anyone. so whatever happens with it happens, and whoever finds it finds it.
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